“Are you truly listening—or just waiting for your turn to talk?”
That’s the question Emily Kasriel, author of Deep Listening: Transform Your Relationships with Family, Friends, and Foes (2025), wants us to ask ourselves. Most of us, she says, are only “pretending” to listen—while secretly preparing our next point, proving we’re right, or rushing to solve problems.
But what if listening could be the very thing that transforms relationships at home, at work, and even across divides?
The Traps That Keep Us from Listening
Kasriel points out four common traps:
- I need to win. We listen just to find flaws in others’ arguments.
- I am in charge. Leaders feel they must explain, not hear.
- I must solve. We jump in with advice before fully understanding.
- I don’t have the time. Rushed conversations silence fresh ideas.
The result? People walk away feeling dismissed or unheard.
Listening with the “Third Ear”
Kasriel draws on psychoanalyst Theodor Reik’s idea of the third ear—listening not just to words, but to what’s unspoken.
“Your third ear enables the whole of you to listen to the whole of them.”
Think of the colleague who says, “Sure, I’ll try to make it work,” with a smile that doesn’t reach their eyes. A true listener notices the mismatch and gently checks in: “You sound overloaded—am I right?” That’s when genuine connection begins.
Silence: The Unsung Superpower
We often fear silence. But Kasriel says silence can be “warm, inviting, nourishing.” Even a few seconds of pause gives both people time to reflect, unlock new ideas, and build trust.
Instead of rushing to fill the gap, try sprinkling silence into your next conversation—and watch what emerges.
Why Leaders Should Listen First
Contrary to the myth that leaders must always talk and “sell the vision,” Kasriel argues that listening first is far more powerful.
“What the speaker will say will be changed by the nature of your listening.”
When team members feel heard, they’re more creative, less defensive, and more open to new perspectives—including the leader’s own vision.
Listening as an Antidote to Polarization
In a time of deep divides—at work, in politics, and even within families—listening doesn’t mean agreeing. It means respecting.
Kasriel’s global training projects have shown that deep listening makes people feel safer, more understood, and even willing to reconsider long-held beliefs.
Her advice is simple: put down the phone, hold back your quick judgments, and tune in with curiosity.
Because in the end, being listened to is not just about words—it’s about feeling valued.
✨ Next time you’re in a conversation, try listening with your third ear. You might be surprised at what you actually hear.xt time you’re in a conversation, try listening with your third ear. You might be surprised at what you actually hear.
